The Story So Far: Tristan

I had the feeling that there was just one special person for me early in my life. I used to have dreams, G-rated, of what it would be like to be with that person throughout my teenage years.

I always treated every girlfriend I had (the number of which I could count on one hand) as though they were this special girl. My relationships tended to last long and only when I was sure it was not going to work out, did I stop them.

It wasn’t until my dad talked me about soulmates as the Padgett Messages taught it, and later based on his own memories, that I truly understood who exactly that one special person was for me. She was the other half of my soul, of who I really am.

When I first met Anna, it was at one of my dad’s talks. I noticed her and was aware of her as a pretty girl in the room as soon as she entered it. My friend Corny introduced us, we talked for a short time and then we didn’t talk again for almost a whole year.

During that year, I had a relationship with another woman who, at the time, I was sure was my soulmate. She was quite embarrassed to be with me, due to her being older than myself. It was a very hot and cold relationship. I would get told that it would never work out only days after getting back together. It was the first relationship I ever let myself be completely emotional during and after a few months I had processed enough of it to let go of some of my neediness I had towards women based on how my mother treated me. The next time the woman asked me over I declined, stating I’ve had a true change of heart. I am very grateful for that relationship and that she let me be open with my feelings, otherwise I don’t think the rest of this would have occurred at all. Anna has never been attracted to needy guys.

Months after that, Anna came up to talk to me and we got to talking about God and things we liked to do. We organised to meet up swimming at the beach every once in a while. I also got to know her mother, who enjoyed talking about Divine Truth and her little sister who had very similar reading interests as myself.

Anna and I spent a few days a week catching up and swimming and I was invited over a few times by her family to talk about Divine Truth and Love and to hang out.

It didn’t take me very long to realised I really liked this Anna person and I became aware I wanted to spend a lot of time because I liked her in more than just a friendly way. This was a problem as I had since learnt she was going out with someone already, who seemed to be quite a nice guy.

I was emotionally distraught and let myself process through these emotions for a week. If I even counted her as a friend I would have to be very honest but I was very afraid of her reaction. In the end, I had to be honest even if that meant less time in her company.

So, I was honest and was surprised to find out she did not care all that much. She stated she wasn’t interested but would still like to hang out as friends. I also encouraged her to be honest with her boyfriend about me and my feelings and she was.

We continued to spend more time together and it was only two weeks after realising I like her that I also realised I loved the girl and a day after processing the implications of that, I was then very sure she was my soulmate. I cried for days. Mostly because I had to be honest about it again, which was very embarrassing and because she didn’t show any particular want for me either. My fears were that I might have to live my life without my soulmate and if I knew who my soulmate was it would be unethical to be with anybody else. So that meant no love and no kids in my future if I wanted a future where I was ethical. It was a very lonely prospect.

So again, I was honest. This time it hit her a little harder and she asked for time to decide what to do. A few days later she asked me out to the beach again. She stated that she had no interest in me at all and did not find me at all attractive. I said that I would not be spending time with her alone while I felt as I did.

A month or so later I was invited to her home by her mother and sister for a couple of days. Anna had been single for about three weeks and now she seemed interested in me. We talked a lot and I think it was on the second night that we feel asleep talking on her bed holding hands.

In the morning, we talked and decided to start dating. When she broke this news to her mother it was not with amazing results. After some time, I searched for where Anna had gone, when I found her and her sister consoling their mother on her mother’s bed. It took me a little while to discern that the problem was that her mother really did not like the idea of myself and Anna being together. These days she’s encouraging but at the time it was like I had killed someone. Everyone took the time to try and let Anna’s mother know everything would be okay, even myself. These days I find that who scene and my actions in it kind of awful towards myself.

The first six months of the relationship was very amazing. We travelled a lot and camped in many different places. The relationship was intense with emotion and at that time we allowed every emotion we had, good or bad, to come up so we didn’t have any really horrible times at all and the good times were so intense it was like being in a whole other universe.

One month in, I had an intense experience of emotion and from that moment I knew she was my Soulmate. She was my other half, I knew it and I was overwhelmed by the gift of that knowledge.

We didn’t do much else, she deferred her University course and I lived off the rest of my savings and Tax refunds during this time.

 

Then we went to live in their family holiday home in New Zealand for a few months over the summer. We went early to spend some alone time together but her brothers ended up rocking up early. I met Anna’s brothers and it did not go well. Despite my obvious love for their sister I didn’t impress them at all. My values and theirs didn’t mix well.

I was very pro relationship with God, going through everything emotionally, and being honest even if you are afraid. I was also unemployed, with very little idea of what I was or could accomplish in my life, had not travelled very far, had very little money and was not a physical sort of person.

They were more about being worthwhile members of society, having a high-end education, and being citizens of the world.

I was unemployed, with very little idea of what I was or could accomplish in my life, thin and weedy at the time, and very honest about my view of the word.

They were challenged by my presence at their family home then I talked about things that just got their hackles up like ethics, god, processing emotions and answering questions about being a vegan. The added problem of being with their sister in our bedroom in a romantic way could have also exacerbated things. Seeing their sister as someone who was desired by another seemed uncomfortable to one or two of them.

So, their behaviour got attacking to counter my presence. They may not have seen it this way, but to me Anna’s brothers got very angry, argumentative and even threatening at times. I could feel they did not appreciate my presence at all.

Saying that, they got very angry, argumentative and even threatening to the other siblings as well, usually about money or if each other’s plans got in the way of their own, so maybe I was being welcomed in a funny sort of a way.

This time was hard for me, since I had spent every last dime I had on this trip and even then, Anna paid for the rest. I didn’t have the gumption to leave the house and country to head back home.

Anna herself started changing when it was clear I was not to be accepted by her brothers and neither was, what they considered, her new kind of behaviour. She herself got into the same arguments and fights and I felt her appreciation for me drop. We left the family home to go enjoy some other pursuits, but Anna was often angry with me and, without realising it, felt it was my fault her relationship with her family had been shaken. It was a lot less enjoyable for me.

The next year was very hard for me. My soulmate showed just how much she disapproved of me as we lived together for a time. It slowly got worse and worse as I could not fulfil the addiction of approval she wanted from men and about being in a relationship with a “worthwhile” man.

At this time, I was working by donations, being asked to go out and help others to be aware and connect to their own emotions, and was making enough to pay for rent and food. But my addictions rose up with a vengeance since I did not want to be honest about how sad I was at this new treatment from Anna. I started playing video games again, something that I can lose a lot of time and energy in. My teenage problem of porn use became a problem again, and although I limited it to reading erotic stories I felt so guilty I ended up telling Anna of the problem anyways.

After this we became enamoured with the idea of creating an alternative school for children based on Divine Truth.  We were so inspired that Anna bought a property out in the bushland and we tried to make a go of it. It took six months to see it would not work out.

What it did do was bring up all emotional troubles we were having and hiding from. I could no longer support myself and relied wholly on Anna for food and comfort. Anna started making it clear that she wanted this place to be where she lived and it was up to me to make it happen for payment of what she was giving me. By the end, I was not doing a thing to help, feeling useless and sullen most of the time and she was feeling very justified in being very angry at me.

I moved out to the nearest town and started looking for work, seeing Anna maybe once a week or two, while I sorted my own issues of why I didn’t want to be self-responsible. After nine months of hard searching and volunteer work I got a job as a Youth Worker in town.

After a year, I was now looking after myself more properly and things seemed easier between myself and my soulmate. I moved in to a place Anna had been renting in town. We were both working jobs that were with kids and we enjoyed this.

The emotional problems we had, however, had not been dealt with. I was still not the man Anna’s family would approve of.  Now looked after myself and shared what I had for our mutual comfort, I didn’t feel I needed to support her desire to be mad at me.

Her anger got very crazy sometimes. I doubt she even understood what was happening at these times. I remember being told that I was only with her so I could be with her little sister later and that I loved only my “version” of who she was because I no longer accepted of her anger was a true part of her soul.

I got super addictive with video games again, often trying to block her anger at me out. Each time I engaged in the addiction I just added to the wall that was building between her and I.  When I realised what was happening again I knew we needed to change the dynamic.

I began to see that no matter how far I had come I would never be enough, unless I was exactly like her brothers, which I could never be. In the end, I stated that if she did not deal with her anger at me, I would have to break up with her. During that month, I looked for another house to rent for us both, one where I could create a space for us to share where Anna not was in control. Anna ended up getting a job two hours away, with the expectation that she lived with me part time.

Once I had moved in to my own place, I could relax and realised how much anger Anna felt towards me on a daily basis. I told Anna that we needed time apart and she should get her own place.

To be specific, my father, who was coincidentally there at the time, had the bravery to say just how badly she was treating me while I kind of took a more cowardly role of “what he said” and then I told Anna she should get her own place. I was still very afraid of a woman’s anger at this time and was very unethical about standing against it in an honest and loving way.

Anna was livid and after about a month or two of Anna indulging in very rageful and nasty behaviour during daily phone conversations, I stated that I would be breaking up with her completely and that I will only answer her calls and emails if I felt like it.

She still called but usually once a week. Then there was a period of about a month where I got no phone calls.

She moved to Kuwait. I ended up reading about it on her blog page which I still read at the time. She had messaged me and I answered that “I was sad about that but wished her well” she called me up and was very angry at me for being upset about her moving.

For the next year, she contacted me about once every three months, usually very angry at me if I didn’t immediately give her approval about the course of her life. I ended up telling her that I would no longer be answering her calls. I felt I would be able to tell when she was in a real place of wanting a good relationship with me again without having to talk with her and I no longer wanted to accept anger from her. I said I’ll call her when I felt she was ready.

She’d contact me, mostly online, once every three to six months but I didn’t answer.

Around two years, I saw her twice. Once when she was visiting family in Australia. She was very curt and was surprised to hear I was still wanting a relationship with her once the anger she was feeling and its cause had left her.

The other was just before she moved to China, she was in Australia just itching to get back out again. I knew that she was feeling very uncomfortable being on even the same continent as me and told her she would probably be gone again in a week. She agreed and by the weeks end had moved to China.

Those two and a bit years were very hard for me.

For a while I had agonised whether or not to pursue a relationship if a chance for some romance with a nice girl came my way again. Every time I was offered a date though, I turned them down explaining that I had feelings for someone else that will never leave me.

In the end, I felt it to be so unethical to be with someone else’s soulmate just because I no longer had the chance to be with my own.

It got to a point when female friends would want to spend a little more time with me, I’d let slip about Anna being my soulmate and that I would not be dating in general conversation, so that they didn’t have to be embarrassed when I said no.

There was a period of a month or two when I had feelings for a girl. I decided not to pursue these but get to know her only in a friendly setting to work out why I was attracted to someone who was not my Soulmate. Turns out she had very similar issues with men as Anna did and as soon I could see my own addiction of trying to fix my soulmate problem by proxy, the crush vanished like it never occurred.

Later I also found out Anna had been with someone else around this exact time, which made me understand that if I truly had some sort of bond with Anna that I may have been subconsciously saddened by this and tried to stop the sadness by finding someone else subconsciously.

 

It was a super lonely time for me. I kind of just coasted, looked after myself, continually prayed but didn’t really do anything with my life other than work and play. I did spend a lot of time trying to figure out what my own emotional problems were that caused my own unethical behaviour in the relationship and my almost complete acceptance of anger towards myself from my soulmate and other women.

It wasn’t until the autumn of the second year that I decided to put some real effort in my passion to create an alternative education for kids again that I regained some of the nerve I had at the start of the relationship with Anna.

At the end of the three years and as plans for my own passions were taking form, Anna got back in touch with me, she stated that she was coming back to Australia and that she was still in love with me.

I stated that, as always, I was still in love with her but would be unable to pursue any kind of relationship unless she started dealing with the emotions that cause her anger, arrogance and dismissal of me when it suited her.

A day later she called me up and stated that we would never be together and I should not get in touch with her when she is in Australia. A week later she called me up and stated that she would like to start a relationship with me again. Again, I told her the problems I currently had with being with her.

During the next few months, Anna would contact weekly to fortnightly and even sometimes visited me. There were arguments that were spectacular, mostly because I stood my ground on matters that I used to just give in to. She got angry, then I stopped communication or she was told to leave. Afterwards two to three days later she would contact me by email or phone stating that she was so sorry for her behaviour.

It did not help her that I would not talk about anything but the issues with our relationship so far. Anna wanted a way in but didn’t want to change and found me super challenging.

Anna was still not being ethical for quite a few of these conversations. When she learnt about the girl I had a crush on while we were broken up she was verbally attacking. I found out a little later that she had pursuing romantic encounters at the exact same time and also just before she came back to Australia during that week she couldn’t decide whether she wanted to be with me or not. I was pretty angry at this, mostly because I had just had to defend against a diatribe about something that I felt I had handled quite well at a very hard time in my life.

This was very hard for me. When people attack my character, personality or worth the first thing I wanted to do is try and placate them, often being very accepting of the attack. Anna is the other half of myself so that feeling of wanting to placate often was even stronger in me, around her. I had to learn quickly how to be calm and honest, while still being emotionally involved in a hard conversation and then afterwards have a cry and a conversation to God about what was still happening between myself and the one I loved.

I tried very hard to be very patient but let myself lose my cool if I felt I could process it then and there or at least to show I was pissed without trying to attacking her. Sometimes it made Anna understand just how much her behaviour was painful to me.

Slowly Anna took a turn from just wanting me to be with her to desiring to find out what had caused all the relationship troubles on her side of things. That desire in her eased up the pressure that was coming at me (from her) and I’ve wanted to spend more and more time with her until at the moment, we are currently a couple again.

I can’t stress enough how relieved I was at this change. I was getting very worried that defending against Anna’s anger would be the rest of my romantic life here on earth.

These days, I’ve still got to be very clear with her and sometimes have to ask her to leave, or leave myself, since she still wants to take control over what I do and say when she is afraid. I also ask her to leave, or leave myself, if I feel I’m not able to take self-responsibility of my own emotions at that moment.

However, Anna is starting to be much more aware of her anger and fears and where they are coming from. She is also starting to challenge these inside herself rather than rely on outside sources to make herself feel better. An outside source I was never really good at being anyways.

This has made all the difference for me and lately has created periods of time where we are actually sharing in real love rather than beating against each other’s shields.

I am now focusing very much on my passions for a relationship with God, working on a God’s Way Education Program and writing since I know that these things attract my girl from far, far away and can only make her want to be closer.

I also still have my own issues of self-responsibility to go through and many other emotions but as I work for God’s Way organisation, I either have to process these causal emotions or lose my ability to work with the team and so far, that’s pushing me through some hard fears and expectations of others I’ve been avoiding.

Also, it helps to know that if I go through my own emotions I will feel more close to and love for Anna no matter what she decides to do.

 

My feeling is I really want a true Soulmate relationship with Anna, and only her, with a reliance on a relationship with God and education from God as our parent. This is the goal I am striving for, but I don’t feel that is a requirement that Anna has to strive for.

I do however know she also shares a strong love of God when she is feeling humble.

She is her own person and she can do anything she wants but if she tries to engage in unethical or unloving behaviour that involves me somehow then I will stop the interaction even if that means she becomes rageful and heads across the world again.

It took me a long time to learn that this was necessary part of a real relationship with my Soulmate and to go through the emotions I needed to, to make sure I can do this consistently.

I hope that she grows a similar attitude when it comes to me, since this is the only way I can see us having any sort of real life together with a long future.

 

Finding her and being able to spend real quality time with her is a gift from God. I’m doing my best to truly value every gift from God I can and every time my soulmate is ready to share a real love and life with me, I’ll always be there even if it means I need to deal with any personal problems of my own.

 

What my experience has taught me might be true about soulmates so far:

  • Being honest all the time is key even if it means facing a fear or getting attacked. Without truth, the relationship won’t grow and maybe won’t even start.
  • Processing emotions about your parents and how they treated you, especially the parent who is the same gender as the one you are attracted to, will attract an opportunity to meet your soulmate properly.
  • Everything you are afraid of, angry and sad about will be triggered by your soulmate, whether they treat you well or not. The only way to get through it is to feel the emotions as if they are your own to deal with not something caused by your soulmate.
  • Addictions of trade, barter, or co-dependence will kill the relationship outright. Deal with any of these before they become the last bullet to the relationship. Even the emotions of “she will make me feel manly” or “he will make me feel safe” are as poisonous as anthrax.
  • Acting on your passions and desires in life – not as a way to feel good about yourself, but in a way that challenges you as a person – will draw your soulmate from the other side of the earth. I don’t yet know about space or another planet, hopefully I won’t have to test that out at all in my relationship.
  • Reliance on a relationship with God is a very quick way of processing your emotional problems, if you want the soulmate relationship to grow or be fixed quickly I suggest putting a parent/child relationship with God as a very high priority.
  • One of the best things is to deal with a personal issue emotionally so that it does not keep causing problems in the relationship. If you move on from a problem then the relationship moves on, if you hold onto it the relationship only stagnates while you do.

2 thoughts on “The Story So Far: Tristan

  1. Hi Tristan,

    Thanks heaps for sharing of yourself and your story. I am only just at the very start of seeing my own addictions that contribute to my own relationship issues. And, my issues with myself and God.

    Is she my soulmate? Dunno. Some of what you’ve experienced from your soul mate is similar for me. It could be that I’ve just attracted someone to help me deal with the stuff that keeps my other half from me. What you have written has given me food for reflection. Thank you again.

    Dave

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