It’s been a great ten days for reflection on my demands and neediness for Tris. Tris is working ‘living-in’ with a family as a part of the Education Project and I’ve opted to limit all contact with him in order to face some of my demands that I have for him. I’m pretty sure I made a bum-dent in the outdoor couch as I sat for several days swallowing a realisation (though not the first!) about how demanding I am of him. It was good. Despite this, though, I know that working through this issue will take a constant desire and effort from me; I’m going to need to face whatever is below my demand for my demand to really disappear.
Here’s a little poem I wrote on the topic!
I yearn to live a life without demand,
that you take that glass and return it to sand!
That you give to me what I require!
With little care of if you tire.
A life without demand will be
a life without torment, you see
An inner monster when my need is not met
An inner battle where you can bet
the favour is held with Demand – it’s set!
A twisting agony as my demand pulls at me,
but my conscience flickers… “Is this the ways it’s supposed to be?”
Wrecked with sadness when I’ve come to,
seeing what I’ve done and how it’s hurt you.
I yearn to live a life that’s free
from the hungry demands inside of me.
You can say what you like and act as you please
Go on strike! Fall at your knees!
Kiss me or not! Say what you feel!
Do what you want! – without my appeal
that you feed my need that will take what it can
so I can feel likeable…attractive…okay…again.
When my fears have been faced
And I have been brave
When I have felt – not fed – the monster
No longer it’s slave.
My heart will be free – free to live and to share
Caring not if it’s got what it wants ‘cos fair’s fair!
I will love you all better from that day on
having faced my demands and come out strong!