In a previous post I tried to answer this question (which had been condensed from a much more complex email):
I have a partner and we are both following Divine Truth. We have discussions where I feel that they judge me but they feel they are just being confronting emotionally. I specifically feel that they are judging me as if I am not trying hard enough to process. Can you offer any advice? Have you encountered anything similar in your relationship?
After looking over my last post and getting some advice from the two people I trust the most, I’ve decided to change my answer a little.
There is a chance that the last answer could be misconstrued to suit a person’s personal preferences for how they see themselves, when they need to be focused on what Love would do.
There are three possible things going on here.
For the person who sent me this email: I don’t have much personal knowledge of your life but by the wording of your email I do believe the first option is probably what is going on for yourself and your partner.
- You do not want to grow in love and another person (your partner) is pointing out to you that you are engaging in unloving behaviour towards others or themselves.
When this happens, you feel angry that you are being challenged on something that Love would state you should be challenged about. Instead you blame them for “making you feel bad” when they bring up the subject you don’t wish to be humble about.
This happens when you have some specific emotional addictions that will often play out in your relationship or are not usually challenged by those you have relationships with.
By emotional addiction I mean when we need or demand anything or try to avoid anything to make sure we feel only the way we want to.
For example, when you need a partner to NOT say anything that makes you feel angry so you can stay calm and happy.
In the past, your partner was providing this emotional addiction for you or skipped over and ignored an emotional addiction you engaged. For some reason, your partner no longer wants to continue the unloving engagement.
While you or your partner may focus on the “emotional processing” side of things, in the end this is not the big issue. The issue is that you do not wish to be aware of what Love (in God’s eyes) would do in this situation and then do everything you can to engage in that Love, which emotional processing is only one aspect of.
By emotional processing I am talking about when you feel an emotion as a child would. This is described by humility by AJ and Mary in their conversations. To learn more about humility please read this eBook by clicking on this link.
To tell if this is happening just ask “Am I truly being loving in this situation?” and then listen to your conscience. If that conscience is NOT specifically telling you that you are (or if you are unclear or confused), then the next question is “How am I NOT being loving?”. Funnily enough you will probably have a partner who is giving you the exact information you need about that.
- Your partner does not want to grow in love but you do have a desire to.
They are emotionally confronting you to manipulate a “loving” change in you when they themselves have no wish to engage in their own lives. They could be judgemental about something they feel you should change.
The problem is that you may not be able to see their issue clearly if you honour your own anger, fears and grief about their behaviour. The reason why you would want to see the truth behind their behaviour is so you can lovingly help them connect to it emotionally.
Just because your partner is being unloving to you does not mean you also don’t have a problem with love at that time. But if they are being unloving to you then the reason they are saying these things is so the focus is on you and not on them.
By being judgemental your partner is trying to set up their own emotional addiction. It could be so that they can hide from showing humility themselves, so that they feel powerful, and/or so that their own fears are avoided or any number of reasons.
Yes, if someone is being manipulative you have to ask yourself why are you in a relationship with such a person? Does god really want you to be in such a relationship? Why have you been emotionally accepting this kind of relationship so far?
However, if they are your soulmate or you feel that they may be then the way you deal with this situation should be different than “they are the problem, let’s dump them”. Even if you decide that the relationship is toxic and limit the interaction you have with them, you would want to help them to grow past their issues so you could actually be closer in the future. That may mean interacting with them, just not as a romantic partner.
- You and your partner do not want to grow in love and both are not engaging lovingly in God’s eyes.
They are demanding you process, are being unloving AND you are purposely being resistive to being a more loving person.
If this is happening there are now two problems, and I would suggest dealing with your unloving behaviour as a priority over you addressing theirs, unless there they are being particularly attacking. By attacking I do not mean challenging or arguing. I mean when they tear you down to make themselves feel good or being emotionally or physically aggressive.
This kind of attack will just kill any sort of good feelings in a relationship and it’s much better to get the hell out rather than attack back and cause even more “bad blood” between yourself and them.
Simplified suggestion and answer:
Either way the point is to focus on Love – how does God want me to treat my partner? How does God want me to be treated? Emotional processing and humility are parts of being loving but not the goal.
Focus on the goal of Love. What would Love do?
Focus on yourself and your own judgement, resistance or stubbornness first.
Uphold love yourself and then only accept loving behaviour towards yourself by others.
Hope this is much clearer and helpful.